My Boys. My Angels.

You two were sent to me to save me more than you will ever know.
You saved me from my self. You saved me from the worst. You make me my best.

The first time I heard your name I'll never forget. The boy who drove through the grass. Even thinking back to that moment I laugh. If I only knew then who you would have been. Every moment in my life with you in it has been so much more than those others. Your moments make my others seem to fade away. You showed me love a while ago. Real love. However I was in a tight grip of such an evil. How amazing you are, even from such a distance you never gave up on me. I thought about you all the time. 11.11. Every single year. Every Lancer. Every time I heard Emery, Dane Cook or "Sidewalks". I didn't realize how strong you were in my life. No wonder I couldn't live with out you. Now look at us. How did we get so blessed?! What did I ever do to deserve you. I'll tell you what. I was born. I was made to be yours. To show other's of a true honest real love. To show my self. That I deserved better. That I deserved you. This is what a real smile feels like. This is what true happiness feels like. A breath of relaxation. Breathe April. You made it. You made it back into his arms. I promise to always love you. My heart will always skip at the sound of your name. My heart will always jump at the sound of your name. My face will always light up at the sight of you. "now you're my whole life. now you're my whole world. like a river meets the sea.strong than it's ever been. we have come so far since that day. and i thought i loved you then." perfect words.
Thank you for being more than I could have ever begin to have imagined for my husband.
I'm forever grateful to you. And will love you forever Daniel Gene. My love.

How do I every begin to explain you. The moment I learned of you my life changed for the best. Every single moment with you I cherish. I will never and I mean never be able to explain the joy I get from being your mother. Holding you in my arms. Knowing that I love you so much. That there is nothing in this world that will ever tear me away from you. I think about my past, my present and Lord knows my future. How I know you will never have to experience that. The sweet sound of your laugh. The way your smile lights up my heart. The feeling of being whole when you hug me. You will never ever doubt my love for you. I promise you I will show you what unconditional love is. I will show you how God wants us to love our children. I will show you that you are my light of my life. I will show you that you are my everything. I will never forget the first time I felt you kick. That very moment knowing that you were mine. The first second I layed my eyes on you. Hearing your first cry. Knowing that I have never loved anything more in my life. I promise you every day I will do better than my best for you. I promise you that every day I will love you more than the day before. I promise you that I will always be here for you. I promise you I will raise you as a man of God. I promise you that there is no mother that will ever love you as the way I do. I am so proud of you. And I feel like the most blessed woman alive to get the privilege to spend my life watching you grow.
Thank you for teaching about unconditional love. Thank you for showing me who God made me to be. Your mommy. I will love you forever. My precious Luke Everytt. My baby boy.

Lost Art

Have you ever had a moment where you are inspired? Just the sight of someone else doing something they love, maybe hearing an inspirational story, or even just a photograph. That fire that is burning inside of you, to get up and just do it. It seems so reachable. Right at the tip of your fingers.
I have learned as I get older than I am a creative person. I find my self attracted to artistic things. Doodling, photography, dance, writing. I have never been the type for solving mathematical equations. Solving a science mystery. Researching into the history of some major event. Doing things that show your personality, your style, your vision is more my style.

I'm not sure if God is whispering to me but I keep having these strong urges to start the book I have always wanted to write. To choreograph a dance again. I find my self in that perfect mood. My zone. I'm totally into it, got a path going and then speed bump, a fork in the road, which eventually leads to a detour. Then once again I find my self lost. The passion, the fire, the urge I had to find my creativity has faded into darkness.

It makes me so sad, I know that is something that is missing in my life right now. That creative outlet. I need to use it. I know that it will help so much with Danny being gone. Something to focus my time on. But I keep getting side tracked. Hmmm, man I have got to focus.

Man but when you have it, that feeling of purpose. Of you are doing what God made you to do. That natural talent. God given talent. There are no words.

Perfect Timing.... As Always

I knew that this deployment wasn't going to be easy. That there would be good days, hard days, terrible days and even happy days. So far I have had all of those for sure. Well it wasn't until I found a church called Harvest online, that my days started leaning towards the positive more often.

God truly is amazing and spoke to me directly in that first sermon I was at. I had found everything I had been searching for in a church home. Contemporary music. A relate able pastor. Friendly people. Great child care. And the Holy Ghost was insanely present. That very first Sunday I found my self so overwhelmed I broke down into tears twice. I knew at that moment I was where He had been trying to lead me to.

I wanted to throw my self in. I did unfortunately get scared a few times, finding my self driving to Harvest dropping Luke off in the nursery, then freaking out and leaving. I'm not sure exactly why I got scared. I have always been a very outgoing person. Meeting new people has never bothered me. Clearly the devil was trying to pull me away as hard as he could. Sadly he won those two times, but I beat him the night of the "New Comer's Coffee" and it has only been up hill from there.

I have met amazing friends!! Luke finally has other boys to play with (poor kid, growing up as the only boy in a world of 8 girls) not to mention they are his age! And to top it off the parents have turned into some of the most amazing friends I have ever had!

Luke and I have experienced our first baseball game together :)

Our first beach trips together!! :)

The beach with our friends :)

 We also had a blast with our friends during the 4th of July.

I have been so happy the past month and a half. With such amazing people around me that I know I will be friends for a long time with and also be brother and sister with in Heaven. Thank you to you all, you will never know what your friendship means to me and Luke. Danny is so grateful to you all. I look forward to 5 more months of great times. And meeting more wonderful people. <3

moments I miss you most

when I'm laying on the couch late at night watching our favorite shows.

when Luke and I go to the beach.

when I have a car load of groceries.

when Luke kisses your picture and says "I miss you daddy"

when I look at your necklace.

when I see men in uniform.

when I see couples who look so in love.

when I see a lancer.

when I talk to Andy.

when I watch our easter video.

when I smell your cologne in a random store.

when Luke is sick.

when I realize how far away December is.

when I look at my tattoo.

when I see your pictures.

when I drive your truck.

when I drive by the base.

of course I always miss you, but these special
moments just makes me miss you so much more.

I love you Daniel Gene and can't wait until you are
back in my arms making more memories.

Humming noise

After years of tears, months of pain, days of silence I still have trouble getting over it. How can a single person have so much affect on your life? And in such a negative way? I have spent so much time praying that He takes the memories away. Burn the still pictures from my mind. I can still hear his voice in the worst moments. I replay the scariest moments sometimes, unable to stop once they start. I find my self having flash backs, almost like I went to war. In a way I did. Some know things that happened in those 4 years, and some horror stories I'm too embarrassed to tell.

How did I let my self get so far in? How did I let him cut me so deep? I see these other poor girls stuck in the same spiral, unable to get out, pulled back in. More flashbacks. Breaks my heart. I want to share my story with other women, in hopes that I can help even just one get out or never allow her self in a situation like that. I thought after the papers were signed his voice inside my head was gone, and for a while it was. But I hear it again recently. Like the worst kind of devil on your shoulder. The one that knows your weaknesses. The one who weaves through your insecurities and wraps around them so tightly like a boa, squeezing your own sanity from you. Going on three years now of 'freedom' and he still scares to me my core.
Someone so unpredictable, is one of the scariest things alive. To predict the worst, because I have witnessed him do it. Lord give me strength. Take this pain from my hands. Break the hold he has over me. Cut the ropes he has tied on my thoughts. Speak louder than his voice. Thank you for helping me remove me and my baby out of there. Saving him. Saving me, again. And Lord, watch over my living angel you sent me. Keep him safe, bring him home to remind me there is good in this world you created. And that I will never have to be there again.

From a long time ago

Close your eyes, whisper the truth. Was it me was it you.
Close your eyes, you'll see me. Walking away from everything.
Was it really me you were looking for,
Did you lose your way, went through the wrong door?
Well I'm moving on, you can't hold me back.
Yes you got your way, I can't stand your laugh.





Fast forward the time and say you'll be mine.
hidden and lost in the dark you some how found me.
you took my hand and made me feel comfortable, free to just be.
we are just alike and perfect we get along.
can this be real am I living a love song?
please just hold me and never let go.
keep me out of the fire and rescue me when I'm low.
I'm so happy, it's over and done with no more games,
I will become the luckiest woman alive when I take your name.

  

hold me close and never let me go.
I can't believe this is real, am I dreaming?
through all the pain I knew you were out there somewhere,
I am so blessed to have finally found you.
I'm going to smile with you forever.
I'm going to laugh till time stops.
I'm going to love until there is no such thing.
thank you for everything.
you are my angel.

you threw your fit, you yelled and screamed.
you sent evil texts and big talk emails.
I'm sorry but gotta break it to you,
this time your threats didn't go through.
I have broken your trance, my eyes are now open.
give it up you are a big joke, I'm sorry what was that......
did you just choke?
I have got bigger and better, you don't even cross my mind.
he is a real man, and we are worth his time!







you hated my freckles,
harrassed me about my dress
made me cry everyday
with no limit to my stress
now I have opened my eyes
yet still have a bitter taste in my mouth
pulled me into a hole
but I pulled through the doubt
now almost three years later
can't believe what blessings I have
still waiting for you to become a man
thank God Luke already has a dad.

you hit me in the face
no second to embrace
what has just taken place
my world starts spinning
to you, you keep on winning
and we're far past the beginning
if I would have just stopped it at the first
I wouldn't be feeling all this hurt
and I'm sick of tasting all this dirt.



can you look into my heart
do you see the pain?
the words that spit from your mouth
don't just fly away
you put thought into your words
and fill them with hurt.

love is when you feel like the world has stopped.
love is when you just can't get enough.
love is when you get the tingling in your arms
love is when you feel no harm.

love is that feeling of being so sure,
that this person in your life is not just du jour.

love is when one kiss just won't do.
love is when that person feels so true.
love is when you are willing to sacrifice
love is when you want to spend the rest of your life.

love is throughout the heart, body and mind.
love is what I feel everytime....

I look into your eyes, kiss your lips,
hold your hand and touch your toosh.

love is the feeling I have for you.
and I love the fact that you love me too.

I bet you weren't expecting me
to be expecting you.
think carefully, what ya gonna do?
I bet you weren't expecting me,
to be expecting you.

think carefully, I'm watching you.

My monkey

:) My sweet little boy. Luke Everytt.

I mean look at that face, how could you not love that adorable little boy?!

I was blessed with this angel September 17, 2007. I can not believe that that he will be four this year!!
****BE AWARE, WHEN THEY SAY TIME FLIES, THEY AIN'T LIEING****

He is the light of my life. I am so blessed to have such an adorable son. He is everything and more than I could ever dream of. He is hilariously animated and spits out the craziest things from his mouth. Hahaha. One day at church a little friend of his bit him so he went to the teacher and said, "I thought he was my friend, that's it I'm leaving Virginia" :)

I keep a journal and every time he does memorable things like that, and I write them down. Planning on filling it up and giving it to him when he graduates. He may not care at that age, but who knows he might want to share it with his children one day and/or continue it as a tradition.

Luke is so in love with Danny! I have never seen him act this way towards a male figure. He has a very close relationship with my grandfather (aka Pawpaw) but this is different. He tells me all the time of the things he wants to do when Danny comes home.
I want to go fishing with daddy. I want to build a tent for daddy. I want to go pick up daddy from the boat. I want to make brownies for daddy. I want daddy to be iron man and me be wolverine for Halloween.

I can't even explain the happiness I have from watching those two together. I feel like I'm interrupting. :) Not to mention when ever Danny is around and I do something for Luke, etc buckle is seat belt for him, he says "thanks daddy" haha. Clearly I did it but he just wants an excuse to talk to Danny. :)

I can't wait to have more children <3 Such a blessed mom!!!
I love you Luke Everytt, more than you will ever know.

Deployment

After searching for you for 23 years, 7 months shouldn't feel like a thing. However, after God finally blessing you with your soul mate 7 months just feels like another life time.

My husband Danny is currently deployed on the USS Bush. Every day I can feel the distance growing between us through the sea and the time change. It's such a helpless feeling being away from the one you love and having no control over it. I knew when I married him that he was going to be leaving soon and that our first year as a married couple would be spent thousands of miles away, but I also knew I didn't want to be any where else then here in Virginia waiting anxiously for his return.

You can call it cheesy. You can call it gushy. You can call it whatever you want but I know in my heart, body, mind and soul that he is the one God made for me. He is the one that inspires me to be a better person. He is the one that makes me happier than I have ever been. He is the one that teaches me what a man of God should be. He is the one that loves our son with his all. He is the one that I know years from now will still love me as much as he does today. He is our family.

I'm a stranger to 'unconditional love', to a 'normal family', to a healthy relationship. I have had two people to look up to in those categories, my amazing grandparents. My whole life I have always said that I want a love like theirs. Over 40 years later and they still gaze into each others eyes. They still enjoy each others company. They still want to grow old together. How truly amazing is that?! It's so sad now a days to see the surprise look on people's face when they hear that a couple has been happily married for 10 years. I know that in my amazing husband I will get to be one of those rare who get to smile and share their 50th wedding anniversary together.

I am so beyond proud of my Sailor. I have never known a man who works so hard. Even on the days he wants to retreat to being a civilian again, he still puts his all. Again a rare trait now a days. While he is miles away floating in the middle of a sea, risking his life, I can smile knowing that he is thinking about us the whole time. We are so blessed to have such an amazing man. Thank you God.

Virginia

Virginia you saved my life.
You showed me how I should really live.
Virginia you stole my strife.
You gave me a breath of fresh air.
Virginia you removed the knife.
You healed the wounds that had always been there.
Virginia you made me a wife.
You showed me what a real man is.
Virginia, I owe you.